Where Will the Superstars (and Wade) Land?
I’ll cover him first since every other free agent is waiting for this domino to fall before they make their decisions. Right now Lebron is meeting with Riley and Rich Paul in a Las Vegas restaurant, while Dan Gilbert is disguised as their mustachioed waiter, eavesdropping on their conversation and spilling whatever it is Pat Riley drinks, probably infant blood. The meeting is set at 3pm according to Chris Broussard’s sources. I pray that someone at the NSA is listening to Broussard’s phone. My sources say that Broussard’s sources are his mother and Adrian Wojnarowski’s twitter account.
I think Lebron returns to Cleveland, based solely on the fact that he’s a nice guy who wouldn’t set up Cleveland to clear their roster if he wasn’t ready to return home. However, if the Cavs clear this space for him and he returns to Miami, he’s back in full villain mode and Cleveland fans are going to need to stitch together his jersey just so they can tear it apart again. It was nice of him to leave them so they could get three #1 overall picks in the 4 years he’s been gone, only to have him come back and mooch off their rookie contracts. Wait what’s that? My sources say that Anthony Bennett is eating right next to Lebron and Riley today. Not to spy, but just because he usually eats his second lunch around 3pm. Well who cares how fat Anthony Bennett is or that Kyrie is brittle and doesn’t play defense; he’s Lebron James, he made the now unemployed Mario Chalmers look great, and if they can flip Wiggins for Kevin Love then he is back on the clear cut favorite to win the East and lose in the finals again.
What makes the most sense for him? Teaming up with Bosh and heading to Phoenix to play with Dragic and Bledsoe, but Lebron is afraid to head west of the Mississippi, so that probably won’t happen.
Where he will end up: Cavs
Where he should end up: Suns
By now one thing is clear about what Carmelo should do, and that is to continue to tickle Laker fans titties in the hopes that he will sign their max offer sheet, using that as leverage to get signed and traded to the Bulls. Bulls GM John Paxson and Phil Jackson go back to their Chicago days, so something should be worked out so that the Knicks don’t end up with only their peepees in their hands if Carmelo decides to leave. What is the main problem with this? The fact that Phil Jackson has balls of steel, hardened from smoking too much peyote and sitting on that courtside chair that sits 3 feet off the ground. Phil will have no problem calling Carmelo’s bluff, because the worst case scenario is Carmelo just signs for the max in Los Angeles, and Phil gets a coupon book full of oral sex from Jeanie in return.
Carmelo is the perfect fit on Chicago, but unfortunately while he is being wooed by two other great teams, the Bulls are stuck pitching him to a cheap owner, a dull superstar who is made even more dull by the painkillers he has been on for the past two years, and a coach who looks like a pedophile and runs his players into the ground.
Where he will end up: Knicks
Where he should end up: Bulls
Bosh has a situation similar to Carmelo’s, except the team who is a perfect fit for him, Houston, has the cap space to offer him a max contract. The only problem is that he has to put down Lebron’s jock to go there, where he would pair perfectly as a stretch four who wouldn’t have to defend down in the paint. If only Houston landed Google Fiber so that Bosh could code and play World of Warcraft at max internet speed, he would already be buying Omer Asik’s compound. I don’t think we could ask for a better dumb jock / nerd combo than Dwight Howard and Chris Bosh. Actually, on second thought, maybe Bosh just sticks around Miami.
Where he will end up: Heat
Where he should end up: Rockets
If I’m Kevin Love, I’m pretty pissed off right about now. Like, really…the Warriors won’t trade Klay Thompson for him? I know that you can get banned from the NBA for saying mean things about The Logo, but are we sure his massive wrinkled ego isn’t a little biased about the entire situation, having drafted Thompson 3 years ago?
At this point it’s readily apparent that Love wants out of Minnesota. Losing stings, but it stings 100x worse when it’s 10 degrees outside and you have to listen to Flip Saunders coach you, fresh off of his 51-130 stint with the Washington Wizards. The NBA - where once you’re in, you’re IN *Cue Byron Scott walking in to coach the Lakers*.
I think after all the dust clears, both the Bulls and possibly Rockets make a strong push for Love, which will force the Warrior’s hand into giving up Klay and taking on Kevin Martin’s terrible contract. If Klay wants max money, the Warriors would be hamstrung to give it to him, and the T’Wolves would be stupid to give it to him - you aren’t going anywhere in the west with a core of Klay, Rubio, and Pecker. I’m biased, but would you rather have Lee/Klay with a max contract, or Boozer (with only one year left on his contract), Mirotic, and two future first round picks. Saunders would likely butcher the two first rounders, so maybe that’s a tough call.
Where he will end up: Warriors
Where he should end up: Warriors
Every name listed above should make it their #1 priority to not end up on Wade’s team going forward. I think there’s a 99% chance he ends up staying in Miami, and a 100% chance he is horribly overpaid when he does. He gave up 42 million dollars over 2 years when he opted out, and chances are he’ll re-sign a deal for 4 years and about 60 million dollars, so he’ll be getting about 15 million dollars and a prime handicap parking spot in 2018 when he’s playing every 4th game and cherry picking 3 buckets a game.
Where he will end up: Miami
Where he should end up: Miami’s D-League Affiliate